The Darkness That Is Today

I have my first appointment on the 5th, at 1 o'clock.

I'm going through several things at once and that doesn't help a single thing at all!

Just came from the foot doctor, no better, had to get the shot this time, over emotional about it.  

As soon as I hit 50 the hot flashes started again, which totally ruin the already sleepless nights I have.  I'm sleeping in shifts these days.

I hate how the depression makes me feel like a phony.  I spend my entire life trying to help others, to encourage others, to be a positive vibe in a negative world and in comes this other stuff I have no way of really explaining or getting rid of.

I'm supposed to be delivered.  I'm supposed to be free of things of this nature.  There's no room in my body for sickness, so why is this brain of mine still malfunctioning?

Last night my son came in my room, asked me if I was okay, saw that I wasn't and quietly shut the door, leaving me to let the tears flow freely.

It totally makes me feel like a hypocrite, to tell people not to worry about things and then this thing hits me like a freight train.  To tell them how to be happy, to be peaceful and have joy and then I'm all over the place emotionally.

I can't control it and isn't that how we are hard wired?  We want to control everything and everyone and we're not in control, not even for a second.  

There are those who will say the craziest things about this, especially where God is concerned.

Yes I'm healed, yes I'm whole, this is a symptom of something else.  A brokenness I'm not supposed to have.  Right?  

I believe in God, I believe in all these others things, then why is my brain still so screwed up?  I wish I had the answer to that question.  It doesn't shake my faith and the opinions of others don't shape my life, but what's the answers to the questions?  I'm not above cheating to know the answers right now.  Can I look at your page?

I get it why others don't talk about it. 

No one wants to be the crazy girl, or guy.

No one wants others treating them a certain kind of way because they are off kilter.

People look at you sideways often enough as it is.

I don't have the answers, I don't have control, I never did, but I'm seeking them.

He says knock and it shall be opened to you, seek and you shall find.

I'm seeking answers.  I'm seeking understanding.  I want to know why this is happening to me after such a long time of feeling so well.

It totally explains my obsession with other thought patterns right now, feelings I can't control, crazy ass thoughts popping into my mind.

This is real, it's happening to me, I can't stop it and I can't control it, so I have to know the answers!

So often we push this stuff aside and try to medicate, to numb the pain, to escape the ugly reality of it all.  We hide from others because there's enough voices talking inside our heads, we don't need anymore negativity, or stupid responses, even when they are well intended.

There's a saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I often wonder if this is how I got started doing drugs, medicating, numbing the pain, escaping the opinions of others, just trying to make it through each and every day.  Other times I feel like it went away because I wasn't doing drugs anymore.

Have I been lying to myself all this time?  Has what appears to be wellness only been a facade?

The chatter box is our worst enemy, never saying anything nice, never encouraging and I do my best to shut that thing down, but there are other voices and sometimes one will shout loud enough for me to hear it.

The other night this voice came to me talking about getting high, showed me pictures, cause certain emotions to rise up inside of me and this other idiotic voice chimed in saying, "Yeah I remember that, would be good to feel that way again."

Bullshit.

Nothing about getting high felt good, it was a vicious never ending cycle of misery and chasing something that wasn't there to begin with.  It's a lie of the worst kind, promising something it's never going to produce and twisting your life into a nightmare you have no way of escaping.

If you're struggling with this, so am I.  If you're looking for answers, so am I.  If you don't get it, I don't either.

I know the voices are there, but you don't have to talk to them, you don't have to receive what they are saying and you don't have to be defeated, even though you don't have a clue what's really going on.

This is not going to beat me.  This is not going to be a mystery forever.  I still believe, I'm still whole, I'm still who I was  before the crying came around again.

I'm also wise enough to know to talk about it, to be open and honest with everyone, especially myself and even when I feel like a hypocrite, I'm going to keep encouraging others, building them up, giving them strength to fight with, all the while in the midst of my own great battle.