Heartbreak, Healing And Wholeness

I'm sure we've all experienced heartbreak at some time or another, some of us more than others.

Everyone dreams for that forever relationship, that soul mate, that great love affair.

God has been showing me these heartbreaks the last couple of days.  As tough as I am, my heart is tender and I get my feelings hurt more than I would like to, but heartbreak, that's a big one.

Every man I've ever loved has broken my heart, every single one of them.

No, there's nothing wrong with me, because I know that question popped into someone's mind.

I'm loyal to a fault, have the heart of a servant and I'm pretty easy going.

The other day I heard one of the bands playing Guns N Roses It's So Easy and it took me back to a time when my heart was as broken and betrayed as a heart could be.  I'd just come home from prison to find out my boyfriend had run off with someone else, he'd abandoned my children and my dog and truth be told the kids and the dog were all I was concerned with.  I remember that empty feeling, no appetite for food, going through the motions to try to feel normal again.

My sister in law had a convertible Cavalier at the time and let me use it all the time to go to club and run around.  I listened to Appetite for Destruction and the soundtrack to The Crow for well over a year, they were the background music of my life.

How can something so beautiful make you hurt so bad?

Over the years with Murphy my heart has broken so many times I came to a place of numbness.  I knew he was going to do what he was going to do and I just stopped feeling anything when he did it.  When he left all I could feel was relief.

I've finally stopped double checking the locks, because I know where he is and there's no danger of him coming back.

It's okay and I'm not just saying that, it's really okay.

What kind of person do you have to be for someone to not even miss you?

When my first husband ran off with a friend of our's girlfriend, my heart hurt so bad I couldn't understand why I didn't just die.  It hurt that bad.

He couldn't be happy with being gone either, he had to call me and harass me and say all sorts of cruel things to me.  I finally came to a place where I would say, "You have someone to argue with so go argue with them," and would hang up the phone.  He loved to argue, it was terrible.  He would come in from work and start an argument with me, so he'd have an excuse to leave again.  Why not just be a man and go do what you want?

I remember the ones that hurt the worst, some of the others have faded into oblivion, along with others things I've forgotten over the years.

I'm not mad at anyone, I don't hold it against others and when I do open myself to someone I don't hold anything back for fear they may hurt me.  You can't halfway love anyone, no matter how much you may try.

Nowadays you have the whole facebook thing where everybody is posting their pictures and all sorts of things.  There are those who change mates like they change their underwear, they were in love last week, talking about their soul mate and this week they are with someone else.

Why do we treat others as if they are disposable?

I can't switch up like that, but then again I don't lay up with everyone I meet either, truthfully I don't lay up with anyone.  He's been gone a year and wasn't interested in me before then because he was getting high.

I'm not jealous of anyone, because they would have to have something I want, but there are times when I feel like others are totally rubbing it in.  I mean like didn't you think the last one was the one, your soul mate?  People!  Oh my goodness.

Don't get it twisted and think I'm judging anyone because I'm not, I'm just talking about my own observations and how some of these things make me feel.  Do what you do, it's your life!

Lately I keep seeing the post about marriage, sticking together, all the stuff that goes on and you know what?  Who freakin cares?

People have actually come at me and said it was wrong for me to divorce him.

You live with him then!

It kind of makes me queasy to my stomach, some of it, newly made promises they are talking about, promising one another forever, talking about it for the whole world to see.

I love love, it's the most amazing feeling in the world and there is so much love to experience it's not just between lovers.

I am well loved and this has healed those broken places.  Anytime I'm tempted to feel sorry for myself because I'm still not in that great love affair God reminds me how much He loves me.  He's been romancing me all my life and lately more than ever.

I'm surrounded by people everywhere who love me and it's so wonderful.

You have to put it all into perspective.  You can feel sorry for yourself and refuse to heal or you can begin looking around at all the people who actually do love you.  This brings you back to wholeness, because you are a whole person, not a half, not ever.

I remember a time when I felt like half of myself was missing but that was just a lie the chatter box was telling me, because I've always been a whole person, an entity all my own.

I remember seeing other couples and feeling so cheated because he was sitting in jail, or in the streets somewhere.

He's calling again, after it's been so quiet for so long and even though it's over, memories have come flooding back.

I'm not alone, I never have been, my Daddy is right here with me, loving me, guiding me, giving my life purpose and direction.

I am on my own and it's glorious.  No one's bad habits to deal with, no one's opinion interjected, no one leaving their dirty clothes laying everywhere, just me.  No one expecting me to cook their dinner, or buy anything for them.  I only have to wash my own clothes and truth be told don't want to put them away once they are finished, but I make myself do it.  There are so many blessings to be had in being single, you just have to look for them.

I can go where I want, when I want, no one influencing anything I do.  I can hang out with whoever I want, where ever I want to go with them and no one to throw in their opinion.

I'm sitting at home, lol.  It's alright!

I'm in no hurry to fall in love again, to add someone to my life experience.  I've got a lot going on!

I have pretty much quit looking because who cares?  My Daddy loves me better than anyone ever could.  He comes in in those moments when my heart is broken and heals me and reminds me I am whole.  He patiently waits until the tears have quit falling and let's me dump all my problems and cares at his doorstep.  He always has time for me.

Every night I lay in bed, trying to steal space back from the dog, talking to Him, telling him everything.  I often fall asleep during these conversations and when He wakes me in the middle of the night, I go right back to talking to Him, sometimes where I think I left off.

I'm not saying it wouldn't be great to be in love, because it would be beyond great, it would be totally awesome.

Looking back over all the years, all the heart breaks, beautiful moments of healing, I know I am whole, with or without that great love affair, because I already have it.  He's never going to leave me, or hurt me, or make me feel less than.