I'm So Thankful

It's gloomy and windy and it's been raining today.  When we went out we saw people we've never seen before, pulled into places we don't normally go.  Everyone said to us "God bless you."  I wish they could understand just how much and that it's all the time.
I have to be honest and say my heart really wasn't in it once I was there, but God kept putting people in my path and changing my mind about it.  There are days when I'm all gung ho, others it's merely my commitment to my purpose.  They are my people, they are expecting me, I am committed to them.
I stopped, rolling down the window, asking folks, "Are you hungry?"
One girl said, "Girl I'm always hungry!"
Our number is 40 now.
There is never food left over anymore and I'm so happy about that.
Today was a mixture of old faces and new ones, a woman with a flat tire, with her kids in the car, some elderly men sitting at a building next to the Salvation Army, a guy I'd seen walking from downtown, who headed back in that direction as soon as I'd given him the food.
Today was ghosts of the past, memories flooding back, thankfulness for all of it, whether I wanted to be there or not.  I've never been so thankful as I am today.
Look at my life!
People from all over, want to sew into helping, have something to offer me, their hearts in one accord with mine..  These people make me able to do all I can do, I'm merely a face for it, the person who gets to go and do.  I couldn't do it without the help of so many and even with my strict budget God never allows me to go without anything, even when I spend $100 cooking.  A hundred dollars is a lot of money in my world.
For all of my confidence, I am so humbled.
I don't care what it is someone offers up, it's like a million dollars to me, to my heart.  Nothing is insignificent or unwanted, absolutely nothing.  We take it all and even though we mostly deal with men, we don't turn anything down and find a home for all of it.
Again I find myself wishing there was someone like me that came along when I was in the streets and I'm totally not trying to make something of myself in saying this.  If some crazy girl had come along offering me something to eat and to drink, right there in the street where I was standing, I would've come to love her.  I can't help but wonder how that might have changed my life.
I remember how I felt, unloved, used up, judged and without hope.  To this day I still detest taking a shower and having to put on the same clothes.  I remember what it felt like to be so dirty I thought I would lose my  mind before I got clean in fresh clothes.  I remember my socks sticking to my feet and wishing above all else for a clean pair.
Locking myself in gas station bathrooms to bathe and shave at the sink, brush my teeth, put on clean clothes.  I don't ever remember someone coming and banging on the door either, one of those small blessings.
I remember Melissa getting out of jail, after months and months, all healthy and heavy, right back down there and everyone picking her up, giving her money, when I was half starved to death, no more than a hundred and ten pounds.  I remember being jealous and wishing I had all that weight on me, because she looked so good and everyone wanted her.
Has a woman ever wished for weight?  I did that day.
Today, stupid as it sounds, I'm trying to get that weight off God finally blessed me with.
I remember going to sleep on a Tuesday morning and when I woke up four days later, my dogs went crazy because I think they believed everyone had let me lay there and die.  I didn't even get up to go to the bathroom during that time and one of the girls came in and fussed everybody out because they weren't even sure I was alive.  They said she put a mirror in front of my face to make sure I was still breathing.
I remember and I am so thankful, because there is so very much I don't remember and I just know some of it is important.
I'm actually uncomfortable about seeing people I haven't seen in a long time, because their names aren't next to their faces and I would never want to hurt someone who loves me by not really knowing who they are in those first few precious moments.
I'm wearing makeup today, sitting here, tears streaming down my face and not caring.
I am so thankful.
I am so thankful some trick didn't kill me, that I was never beat up or raped.
I am so thankful my kid is well, even though he's facing his own challenges right this second because of bad decisions.
I am so thankful I get to be a lighthouse.  I get to go out there and let people see they can hope and dream and over come the situations they are in.  I am so thankful for the streets.
They aren't for everyone, but they are for me.
Over and over again today, people tried to run game on me and ask me for money and to each one I explained how I'm from the streets and we never come with money, we only bring the food.
You can't blame them for trying and for once it didn't annoy me and I'm so thankful.
People even pull up in cars and ask for food and we always give it to them.  Everyone has to eat, I don't care if you're walking or you drive up, that's what we are there for.
I am so thankful I had that life!
It felt like hell when I was there, I had no idea how God would use it for my future.
Today, Rachel Roll talked about God working everything out for our good.
Man oh man.
I had no idea what that meant at the time.
He totally worked everything out for my good, all that sickness and suffering and misery, to bring me to today.
I am so thankful.