So, life is kicking me while I'm down right now and that's okay because I can totally take it, but dang!
I'm down with my foot and wow just wow.
I never had any idea I was so busy, so active, did so many things.
I hate the crutches because I'm not totally incapacitated and it's normal to just walk.
April 20th my husband has been gone for a year.
Praise God!
Halleluiah!
Hell yeah!
When I tell you it's the best year of my life, I'm really not blowing smoke up your behind, I'm telling the truth!
God came along, delivered me from all that bondage and addiction and my dumb ass turned around and chained myself to him. What kind of dummy am I for doing that? I loved him.
Yeah okay.
Congratulations girlfriend you chose absolutely the worst person ever to fall in love with, you've been a willing participate in the game, how do you feel about that?
I feel like an idiot, that's how I feel.
I can live with that, because I've felt much worse in that love affair. I can take feeling dumb over feeling taken advantage of and unloved any day.
There are those who will blame me for it all because it was my choice. Truth be told I really didn't know everything I was getting into, I just chose to love someone and to love them to the best of my ability. That in itself was not a dumb decision, only the person I chose to give that to and that decision was beyond dumb now that I look back over all those years.
I chose a man who has never held a job past a pay check or two, and each one sent him to the streets getting high. I chose a man who has never been able to take me to dinner or a movie without me being the one paying. I chose a man who has never grown up because no one required him to. His family is still making excuses for him even today. I chose a man that every time he got clean and looking good he had to go down there and show his friends and that got him all messed up again and right back where he started.
I completely and totally chose wrong.
I spent years and years in great devotion to him, starting over and over again, all of it costing me and I wasn't even getting high!
I spent a total of eight years alone, writing him letters every day, pouring into his life love, devotion, friendship and hope.
I really did give it my all.
When he came home from prison no one could come to him and tell him they saw his wife out doing this or doing that with so in so.
I was a good wife, even if I do say so myself.
My love made me hold on, wouldn't let me stop hoping, wouldn't let me let go, even in the darkest and most painful moments.
I am not a stupid woman, I've survived over half of my adult life homeless and believe me when I tell you no stupid person can survive the streets.
When you live with an addict you try to second guess everything, protect things, do the right thing to save yourself heart ache.
It's all a lie and a false sense of security.
I love my little truck, it's been the best vehicle I've ever owned, so when the opportunity came up to buy something else, I did. I bought the car totally to keep him from stealing the truck.
It's so freaking pathetic, but the truck is sitting outside and I'm not sitting in prison for killing him for stealing it.
April the 20th, last year, on my day off, I went to take a nap with the baby. The truck was in the shop because he'd tore it up the weekend before. I woke up from my nap, the car was gone and $20 out of my desk: money that belonged to my company.
The final straw had been drawn.
The first time he stole money from my job and stole the car, it costed $180 to keep me from losing my job and place to live and $325 to get the car back, all paid by a tenant who loves me and now I've finally paid him back.
He sat in jail from then to Thanksgiving, first in Greenville where he got arrested in the first place and then Atlanta for something he didn't actually do.
After that and taking him back I set the boundary. If he ever stole from my job again we were done.
It was a big eff you!
I gave up hope of ever getting the car back, because I had to. I couldn't keep holding on to that hope because that hope kept me attached to all the other dumb stuff that had happened already.
Almost a year later I'm about to get the car back, atleast what's left of it.
Last time I saw it a window was busted out, the clip on the bumper had broke loose on the driver's side, the passenger side mirror was hanging on the side of the car and there was stuff all in it in the floors.
I asked my mother in law not to say anything about me coming to get the car because I didn't want any problems out of him and I have enough to deal with without that drama.
Suddenly, after almost a year, she has the nephew call me to tell me to call her, because unbeknownst to her I have her number blocked, along with every number he's ever called me from because I have nothing to say to him.
She tells me there's a man there that wants to buy the car. I tell her the car is not for sale, I'm still making payments on the car and someone is coming to get it for me.
And I quote, "You're still making payments on that raggedy car?"
First of all the car wasn't raggedy until her son took it, second of all I pay my bills regardless of my situations and third I can't sell a car that still doesn't belong to me.
Later the same day my sister in law calls me asking me what I'm going to do with the car because she just got her's running and wants the steering column out of mine.
Seriously?
Really?
She commences to tell me how bad the car looks, says all the tires are flat and the back windshield is busted out of it.
I don't know, I haven't seen it.
I can only assume my mother in law told him I was coming to get the car and he busted all of the windows out of it and flattened the tires, which are brand new by the way, haven't even had their first rotation yet.
I don't know and I don't care. It's actually not even about the car, it's about the principle of it all.
I'd like to be able to fix the car, but I'm slightly discouraged at this point, because I haven't seen it and it's still there. Point being the car is mine and even if I had to take it to the scrap yard because there's nothing I can do to fix it, it's mine to do that with.
He thinks he's entitled to it.
Never mind the $6000 worth of debt I was left with, because of him. The car, paying for lawn equipment that went to the dope man, the fines I paid off for him, bills he's never had to pay. Never mind he ran away to his mommy like a little kid because he wanted to get high and couldn't deal with being an adult even part time.
Never mind all the countless things I couldn't even begin to name off at this point, that have walked away over the years and the money all of that costed me.
Yes me.
Like he ever had a job in the first place.
It's the one thing I can't let go because it feels like he won!
It's the one thing I'm not going to let go of because I let go of so much and walked away.
If I were a lesser person and didn't know God I would totally hate him.
What's to love?
Sex?
I can buy and sell that all day long, so don't get it twisted thinking it was that.
Sex is so cheap and over rated it makes my skin crawl every time someone comes along thinking that's what they are going to get, without any thought to love or committing. Go on home boy, it takes much more than that.
Someone once insinuated he was cheating on me in the streets. I laughed at her and her ignorance. He loved me and I couldn't get him to sleep with me when we were in the streets! He always assumed I was trying to smoke all his dope and he wasn't interested because of the drugs.
His charm wore off a long long time ago.
His dreams meant I had to spend money and not see my own.
His plans were all talk and no matter how good life was going he was going to go get high and ruin everything all over again.
I quit telling anyone what was going on or when he was gone, because who really cared and what could they actually do to help me?
Let's get for real, wasn't I to blame for staying with him?
Man oh man, what the hell was I thinking?
I went to bed the other night crying, talking to God about all of it, because nothing would make me happier than for all of them to leave me alone. I was feeling defeated and discouraged and right back in a place I've been in so many times where he's concerned.
I heard my Daddy tell me He could give me anything, a million cars and I didn't have to be upset about the condition of this one when I got it back.
I didn't ask for any of this, it was all his choice, all his decisions, all his actions that brought us to today.
I wanted to be a wife, to be loved, to have a good life with him.
Not anymore.
Not ever again.
I don't even want to be his friend.
There is a great emptiness where he's concerned, in a place that used to be filled with love.
He's done so much to me already, what's one more thing?
He's costed me so much money already, what's a couple of grand more?
He's never had to take responsibility for any of it, no apologies, no trying to right wrongs, because a sorry man never gave a damn in the first place.
Years and years of feeling like a dummy, like people saw me weak.
I want the damn car back because I want the damn car back and that should be good enough.
I want the car back so I can have some closure because something in my life has died and who knows it may have been dead all along, I just kept kicking it trying to make it get up.
If that's what he's done then I'm completely correct in believing he never loved me because he never had the capacity to love me.
If that's what he's done, I hope he's happy, because it's freaking heart breaking to me. I'm not a crack rock so I never mattered in the first place, I was just a means to the end.
Just once I don't want to feel like he's won.
Just once I want to feel like I got what I wanted.
Just this once.
Is that too much to ask?
It's the principle of it.
I know he's not winning. No one in the dope game wins, that's how it's set up, but I need one win! Just one!
My heart is broken either way and it really doesn't matter to anyone but me.
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