You are not alone

I made the appointment today.  Why? 

There was a time in my life when I was very mentally ill.

I'm seeing things I clearly remember from then, I'm having trouble controlling my emotions, my depression is way beyond the normal ups and downs of every day life and crying for nearly a week when no one else is around or while working is a clear sign something may or may not be going on.

Better to err on the side of caution.

I've been well for such a long time, I'm so thankful for that.

I remember certain things about that time very clearly, days when I felt like I could do anything and I was so up in the air I made everyone around me nervous.  Then came the depression.  I once spent an entire week on the couch, went to see the psychologist wearing the same clothes I'd had on the week before:  not good.

This was a red flag for me.  

It's not a hygiene issue, it's something else.  I've noticed this lately, the same clothes from the day before.  I've noticed the crying isn't my usual, I've noticed the thoughts.  I don't want to talk about the thoughts I've been having because I don't want anyone to freak out.  Thank God I'm not hearing voices, at this time.

I'm under a great deal of stress with my job.  I have been here four years and it's sad to say, but every single day I feel like I should be packing my stuff and looking for a job.  My boss has a way of making me feel like I'm a total failure and she doesn't respect me and getting fired would land me in the streets.

My brother called me today and I told him I'd made an appointment because I felt like I might be having some issues, he simply said, "shit."  They all remember how bad it was, how out of control I appeared to be, the madness that followed and my going to prison.

I'm not ashamed to talk about it because not talking about it could very well kill me.

I'm not complaining or trying to dump my problems at anyone else's door, but I know there are those out there who think no one understands.  I'm being transparent and putting it there so someone, anyone, can feel like they aren't the only one.

I want others to know so they can reach out, invite me to reach out and to encourage those who feel they are traveling through a world of darkness.  We are in this together right?

It's not the end of the world, I promise.  It's another challenge to make me grow, to stretch me and to use my pain as a platform.

Yes I am that girl.

I will not be defeated.

Your pain can be a prison or a platform.  I've learned sharing it makes it less powerful, causes it to lose it's grip on me and my heart is always geared toward helping others and encouraging the world at large.

If you're struggling with mental illness, you are not alone and you don't have to go it alone.  There are so many resources, places that will work with you on a sliding scale, people who would love for you to reach out to them and even more still willing to lend an ear or good advice.  Don't go it alone!

It's okay to be broken, God uses broken vessels all the time, doesn't stop your light from shining through the cracks.

I have a mental illness, but it doesn't have me.  My brain is broken, but I am whole in Jesus.