Don't Get Stuck!

Don't get stuck!

Life happens to each one of us, we experience joy and heartbreak.

We learn things, usually the hard way, and in case no one has ever told you you were built for adversity.  The definition for adversity is difficulties, misfortune, trouble, hardship, distress, disaster, suffering, affliction, sorry, misery, tribulation, woe, pain, trauma, mishap, misadventure, accident, upset, reverse, setback, crisis, catastrophe, tragedy, trial, cross, and burden.

Man oh man you were built to go through some really tough stuff!  Only warriors will survive.

Don't get stuck!

The other day my girl Jennifer, when I called her in preaching crisis said to me, responsibility.  I'm like what the heck are you talking about.  She said, someone just explained this to me the other day and I want to share it with you right now.  Responsibility is your ability and your response.

I didn't know it was going to stay with me like it has at the time.

Your ability and your response.

Your ability is pretty great considering all the things adversity means and God saying He built you for it.

You are so much stronger than you think you are!

Things are going to happen!  It's a fact of life, but your ability and your response are the difference in how it affects you.  Knowing it's not going to be easy doesn't hurt, but even those who know this, aren't always expecting the things that befall them.

Things come out of nowhere like a diesel truck slamming into you at a red light.  You were minding your own business waiting for the light to change and wham!!!!!!!

In that instant everything changes.

You're going to live so what do you do next?

You overcome, that's what you do, you tell yourself, "I was built for this @#$! and no power on earth can stop me!"  You get up and brush yourself off like no one saw you fall.  You laugh like it doesn't matter and you just keep going.

Does this happen every time?

No.

It never hurts to have a good cry, tears are cleansing and you begin to release those things that have hurt you, to forgive those who have hurt you, to remember who you are, whose you are and how strong you are.

Weeping endureth for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

Don't get stuck!

Don't let that one thing keep you in a place you are supposed to be moving away from!

He says, "I am doing a new thing."

Get up!

Don't stay down!

There's so much more to live for, to go through and you are going to make it!

We get comfortable and think we are in the right place, but seasons come and go in the world and in our lives and we have to use our ability to go through things and the response to embrace the fact that nothing stays the same forever.

It's okay to not want to let it go, it's a place of comfort, you feel safe there.

I recently shared with my girls something I hadn't even realized until recently.

When I lived in Georgia I worked at Cracker Barrel and was acquainted with twelve different pastors, either through work, or friends taking me to church with them.  I had a handful of friends then, because I'd been in the streets for a long time and all my friends before that were strippers and people who worked in clubs.

When I was in the clubs, I didn't date people.  I had friends, most of them men, but I've always been friends with men.  Maybe it was my lack of fathering, maybe it was because girls always hurt me, who knows now, because it really doesn't matter.  I got all of my socializing out at work and after with friends, making sure no one followed me home where my babies lived.  My kids may have met five people in nine years, because I was a snobby, can't take you to my house where my babies are stripper.  LOL.

On Sunday morning I would wake up and start talking to God about where He wanted me to go that day and I went where ever He told me to go.  Only one time did I ever get up and leave the service and this was a church my husband liked.  For the fourth Sunday I had visited they were teaching about tithing and this guy went to his car and brought all these suits into the church.  My dumbass husband, no job, pledged a thousand dollars to this church and those folks, his boys, didn't even go visit him when he first got locked up!

I told him I was going down the street and I'd be back to get him, got up and walked out.  I don't even care what they thought of me for it or if the preacher gave a sermon about me afterwards.

Yes I went to twelve different churches, knew the pastor personally at every one, loved their congregations, but I never formed relationships with the people there.  It was always God and me.

There was a church at the end of the park I lived in, when I didn't have gas, or a ride, or a car, that I walked to.

It was always God and me, He decided and I went.

There were people in each one I loved, faces I can still see in my mind's eye today, but I didn't get involved with them, how could I, I might be somewhere else next Sunday and somewhere else the Sunday after that, it was all up to God.

I've been to three different churches in the same day before.

Yes I'm a total Jesus Freak.

Where ever there was a word, I wanted to hear it.

One church's service ran so long with their music, I would wait an hour or more after the time they were scheduled to start and go then, just to hear the word.

There were churches that made me uncomfortable about having money to give, which I didn't, so God let me in on a little secret.  He told me to write scripture on a piece of paper and put it in the offering, because some of those churches had everyone parade to the front of the church to give their offering.  He told me how much this pleased Him and He knew my heart and it wasn't my money I didn't have He wanted.

On Saturday's I went to Fishman.  He sets up in a parking lot two blocks from the Atlanta Greyhound station and cooks fish and grits and coffee.  We went and served while my friend JT preached.  I used to hear him and wish it was me, that I had something to say to them.  All of my children and other children that visited from Alabama went to Fishman with me.  We fixed the plates and handed them out.

JT always told them how loved they were, how God didn't care what they did last night, He loved them, with tears streaming down his face.

I'm so thankful for those vivid memories.  I have forgotten many things in this lifetime, thanks to drugs and also the passage of time.  I remember those mornings so clearly, cold and windy, so hot you had to keep wiping the sweat off your face.  JT gripping that bible in hands for dear life, people standing around waiting to eat.  I remember the people who said they were ready to get out of the streets piling in the car with JT and Randy being wisked away to their new lives.  I remember their faces, their buggies, the clothes they wore, all of them, every single one.  I remember passing out hugs and extra helpings.  I remember them much better than the people who came to help, all but Fishman.  He worked at Home Depot and I can't remember his real name, but I still see that van pulling up, those big pots being unloaded, those burners being lit and can smell the coffee.

If he's still alive, I can promise you every Saturday morning at 9 a.m. he's still showing up and setting up to feed them.  Atleast a hundred people, hungry, dirty, strung out, starving to death for all the best things in life.  The weather is of no consequence, it's got to be done.

Look how beautiful God has made my life.

I'm so thankful to remember those times, to still have the streets.

I'm so thankful He didn't give me stadiums of believers, instead He offered me the streets and told me they were bigger and there was so much more I could do there.

I'm so glad today I have that same boldness JT always had, I've got something to say.

He's not prompted me to do it, though, He just sends me down there looking like His Son.  I've never given a sermon in the streets.

Every church and their cousins go down there and preach at them, to them.  I've seen it being done, some guy backed against a fence, the expression on his face obvious that he wishes they would go away and there they are, gripping their bible for dear life asking the poor guy if he knows where he is going if he dies tonight.

God!  When did it get so messed up?!

I had a girl tell me not too long ago we aren't supposed to fellowship with them.

Seriously?

I called bullshit and after trying to explain how she doesn't understand the heart of the Father, told her she was out of her mind and how I preferred them to people like her, christians.

As I was saying I didn't form relationships with these people, not a single one, the christians, because it was me and God.

I went where He told me to go and I'm still doing that today.

I am fearless in doing it too.

Don't get stuck!

I never had relationships with people in churches until I came to Alabama.  I never knew what having lady friends was until now.  I've got lots of lady friends in Georgia but we haven't seen one another in years and years, we just have facebook.

I've got these relationships now and they are so complicated!  People who go off at the drop of a hat and tell you all about yourself.  People who might rip to shreds and who knows what's really going on in their lives because their boundaries are really walls and they don't even want to see you at church, they just don't know how to run you off.  People with big honking issues, just like you.

God bless them they are my people now.

Truth be told the people in the streets are easier and love more quickly, but such is life.

I wrecklessly love each and every one of them, including the ones I know don't love me back.  And how could you not love me back?  Sure, I'm loud and can be obnoxious and I'm liable to say anything sometimes, but how could you not love me?

I'm sure Jesus asks Himself the same question at times.

God is doing a new thing in my life and I'm stepping back from some of these relationships and hell some of them aren't relationships at all.  There are some Sundays I feel like everyone said hello just to move me on my way because they don't know what to do with me and they definitely don't know how to take me and that's okay.

Do what you do, live your life.

I refuse to get stuck.

I refuse to let hurt and disappointment and the opinions or lack thereof shape my life and my destiny.

I refuse to stay where I'm not celebrated like I celebrate others.

Kim said, don't be mad at people who don't show up and support you, half of them can't support themselves.

I'm moving into new places, new things, my destiny.

I'm stepping away from every single thing in my life that doesn't give me joy, or peace, or hope for tomorrow.  I'm stepping into new adventures and other things I want to do.

I want to preach all over and I will.

I want to share good news with everyone I meet and I do.

I want to be embraced by God's people and others everywhere I go and I will.

The bible says to speak those things that aren't as though they were.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

God will send you to places you never dreamed, asked you to do things you never knew you were able to do and show the world from His eyes.

That was 13 years ago, the time I'm speaking of, 13 years.

I was fresh out the streets, wide eyed and wanting more.

I'm seasoned now, still wide eyed and wanting more.

I didn't get stuck.

The world kicks us while we're down, tells us we aren't good enough and it has the chatter box to back up the lies.

People we love make us feel less than and attack us at the drop of the hat, but it's okay.

There's so much more.

God came and got me out of hell, if there ever was one and I wasn't even looking for Him!

I had no idea I was going to meet Jesus!

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't isolating, I just wasn't running with anyone but Jesus.

He's placed this beautiful and wonderful crew of ride or die people in my life, whose hearts are for me and the things we are doing, and for them, my people in the streets, and I am so very thankful for each and every one of them.

I cannot begin to tell you the things that have showed up at my doorstep, the money that has been put in my paypal, for what we are doing.

I didn't get stuck!

God has a purpose for you, has given you talents and a journey to make.

You just have to find out what it is and boldly step into it.

You may not even be bold at first, I know I wasn't.

One night we went to Victory Outreach where my sister was and they had street night, where we went into the streets around there, to talk to people.  They set up sound systems in a parking lot and all these people began stepping up to the mic and telling their testimonies.  I was there with Kelli and my sister and I was so amazed at how brave they were and what their stories did to my heart.

I am one of those people today, brave and unashamed.

You can be one of those people too.

It's not hard, just a step, then another, and another.

You were built for adversity!

Don't get stuck!

He gives freely and liberally to each of us, all you have to do is ask!

Nothing you did yesterday is going to stop your destiny for today!

Nothing can separate you from His love, so take that and run with it!

Change the world!

Love people!

Be brave and courageous!

Speak life into everyone you meet and no matter what, don't get stuck!

I Just Know It!

I had weird dreams all night, but that's okay, don't remember much of them and got a good night's sleep.

When I went to see the psychologist last week he said, "Make yourself shower every single day and gets lots of rest."  I've gone to be pretty early, for me atleast, the last two nights.

This morning I woke up like I could take on the world and God started talking to me.  He said something exciting is going to happen to you today daughter.  Never mind something exciting happens to me everyday, but something exciting is going to happen today.

I'll take it!

It's been pretty in Alabama for a few weeks now, meaning people have begun to move out.  It happens every spring, the weather gets nicer, everyone knows the heat is on the way, houses begin to close and they begin to move around.  My storage facility has been emptying out steadily for the last two months.  I had 12 move outs last month and only rented 6 units.  The boss suggested I raise the prices and that's put me in ghost town mode.  

I lowered my prices again and because the kids are about to get out of school for the summer, put up a $1 first month's rent special, because I want to catch as many of them as possible.  The first summer I was here I rented 29 units in four days with this same special.  I also offered them a flat summer rate, covering their storage for the entire summer until they are expected to return to school.

As of yesterday I had eight reservations and people still calling in.

With that being said, renting 29 units would be so exciting, renting more would be even more exciting and anything at this point would help.  My occupancy percentage has never been this low and I've never ever had so many big units empty.

Today is a new day, new opportunities, new sunshine, new hope.

God said something exciting is going to happen today and I believe Him.

What do you need in your own life?  What would be exciting for you?

I haven't received my taxes yet and I'm scheduled to vacation in less than three weeks.

Completely forgot the baby is going to graduate, have to get a sitter so his mama can work and I trust her to tend to my dogs.

So many things in life to take care of.

Today has enough trouble of it's own, so we'll just stick with today and not worry about anything else.

Something exciting is going to happen today!

Now get out there and love somebody!

Heartbreak, Healing And Wholeness

I'm sure we've all experienced heartbreak at some time or another, some of us more than others.

Everyone dreams for that forever relationship, that soul mate, that great love affair.

God has been showing me these heartbreaks the last couple of days.  As tough as I am, my heart is tender and I get my feelings hurt more than I would like to, but heartbreak, that's a big one.

Every man I've ever loved has broken my heart, every single one of them.

No, there's nothing wrong with me, because I know that question popped into someone's mind.

I'm loyal to a fault, have the heart of a servant and I'm pretty easy going.

The other day I heard one of the bands playing Guns N Roses It's So Easy and it took me back to a time when my heart was as broken and betrayed as a heart could be.  I'd just come home from prison to find out my boyfriend had run off with someone else, he'd abandoned my children and my dog and truth be told the kids and the dog were all I was concerned with.  I remember that empty feeling, no appetite for food, going through the motions to try to feel normal again.

My sister in law had a convertible Cavalier at the time and let me use it all the time to go to club and run around.  I listened to Appetite for Destruction and the soundtrack to The Crow for well over a year, they were the background music of my life.

How can something so beautiful make you hurt so bad?

Over the years with Murphy my heart has broken so many times I came to a place of numbness.  I knew he was going to do what he was going to do and I just stopped feeling anything when he did it.  When he left all I could feel was relief.

I've finally stopped double checking the locks, because I know where he is and there's no danger of him coming back.

It's okay and I'm not just saying that, it's really okay.

What kind of person do you have to be for someone to not even miss you?

When my first husband ran off with a friend of our's girlfriend, my heart hurt so bad I couldn't understand why I didn't just die.  It hurt that bad.

He couldn't be happy with being gone either, he had to call me and harass me and say all sorts of cruel things to me.  I finally came to a place where I would say, "You have someone to argue with so go argue with them," and would hang up the phone.  He loved to argue, it was terrible.  He would come in from work and start an argument with me, so he'd have an excuse to leave again.  Why not just be a man and go do what you want?

I remember the ones that hurt the worst, some of the others have faded into oblivion, along with others things I've forgotten over the years.

I'm not mad at anyone, I don't hold it against others and when I do open myself to someone I don't hold anything back for fear they may hurt me.  You can't halfway love anyone, no matter how much you may try.

Nowadays you have the whole facebook thing where everybody is posting their pictures and all sorts of things.  There are those who change mates like they change their underwear, they were in love last week, talking about their soul mate and this week they are with someone else.

Why do we treat others as if they are disposable?

I can't switch up like that, but then again I don't lay up with everyone I meet either, truthfully I don't lay up with anyone.  He's been gone a year and wasn't interested in me before then because he was getting high.

I'm not jealous of anyone, because they would have to have something I want, but there are times when I feel like others are totally rubbing it in.  I mean like didn't you think the last one was the one, your soul mate?  People!  Oh my goodness.

Don't get it twisted and think I'm judging anyone because I'm not, I'm just talking about my own observations and how some of these things make me feel.  Do what you do, it's your life!

Lately I keep seeing the post about marriage, sticking together, all the stuff that goes on and you know what?  Who freakin cares?

People have actually come at me and said it was wrong for me to divorce him.

You live with him then!

It kind of makes me queasy to my stomach, some of it, newly made promises they are talking about, promising one another forever, talking about it for the whole world to see.

I love love, it's the most amazing feeling in the world and there is so much love to experience it's not just between lovers.

I am well loved and this has healed those broken places.  Anytime I'm tempted to feel sorry for myself because I'm still not in that great love affair God reminds me how much He loves me.  He's been romancing me all my life and lately more than ever.

I'm surrounded by people everywhere who love me and it's so wonderful.

You have to put it all into perspective.  You can feel sorry for yourself and refuse to heal or you can begin looking around at all the people who actually do love you.  This brings you back to wholeness, because you are a whole person, not a half, not ever.

I remember a time when I felt like half of myself was missing but that was just a lie the chatter box was telling me, because I've always been a whole person, an entity all my own.

I remember seeing other couples and feeling so cheated because he was sitting in jail, or in the streets somewhere.

He's calling again, after it's been so quiet for so long and even though it's over, memories have come flooding back.

I'm not alone, I never have been, my Daddy is right here with me, loving me, guiding me, giving my life purpose and direction.

I am on my own and it's glorious.  No one's bad habits to deal with, no one's opinion interjected, no one leaving their dirty clothes laying everywhere, just me.  No one expecting me to cook their dinner, or buy anything for them.  I only have to wash my own clothes and truth be told don't want to put them away once they are finished, but I make myself do it.  There are so many blessings to be had in being single, you just have to look for them.

I can go where I want, when I want, no one influencing anything I do.  I can hang out with whoever I want, where ever I want to go with them and no one to throw in their opinion.

I'm sitting at home, lol.  It's alright!

I'm in no hurry to fall in love again, to add someone to my life experience.  I've got a lot going on!

I have pretty much quit looking because who cares?  My Daddy loves me better than anyone ever could.  He comes in in those moments when my heart is broken and heals me and reminds me I am whole.  He patiently waits until the tears have quit falling and let's me dump all my problems and cares at his doorstep.  He always has time for me.

Every night I lay in bed, trying to steal space back from the dog, talking to Him, telling him everything.  I often fall asleep during these conversations and when He wakes me in the middle of the night, I go right back to talking to Him, sometimes where I think I left off.

I'm not saying it wouldn't be great to be in love, because it would be beyond great, it would be totally awesome.

Looking back over all the years, all the heart breaks, beautiful moments of healing, I know I am whole, with or without that great love affair, because I already have it.  He's never going to leave me, or hurt me, or make me feel less than.

Into The Great Unknown

Tomorrow morning I'm preaching at God Speed Biker Ministries.

I've known this was happening for over two months now.  I started working on a message and God said "No,", started another one and He said, "Not that one," started yet another and He said, "Give it rest.".

My girl Terrie first suggested the woman at the well, I studied it it just didn't speak to me and I ended up down a rabbit hole studying the whole racial issue that took place with the Samaritans.  I called her today, because she gives great advice, even if I don't take it, while in a state of panic and she said, "Read Ruth."  I read Ruth, nothing.

I went back over the notes I had laid out, nothing.

I've spent half the day crying, completely upset because I feel like I've got nothing.

I've heard more than one person over the last few months say, "I didn't prepare on purpose."  This sparked something in me and I thought to myself, that would be so nice, but I know I like to talk and I don't want to get off subject when delivering a message.

Everyone I've talked to has said, "You're gonna do great."

How am I gonna do great when I don't know what the heck I'm gonna talk about?

He kept asking me the same question over and over again, "Do you trust me?".

I'm sure He's laughed at me a few times as well, because I'm totally freaking out.

The bed is cluttered with notes, three bibles sitting open, one I can't see to read any longer, which broke my heart and made me cry all over again.  I have three pairs of glasses can't find a single pair, but I did locate the magnifying glass.
This has never happened before, not ever.

Anyone that knows me knows I always have something to say.

I've given testimony more times than I've kept count of, but never a sermon.

This is a big deal to me!  I just got ordained!  I wanted to bring fire!

Then we come to love.  I know love, Phil has been teaching me love for the last six years, God has been loving me my entire life, my word for this year is romance.

In all actuality I'm writing right now for therapy, to calm down, to gather my thoughts all in one place, to do what comes natural to me, talk about it.

At the end of the last meltdown, I feel sure God chuckled at me and said, "the letters."  I was planning to take the letters from the start but because He kept changing what I would talk about I began to dismiss the letters.

What letters you ask?

Eight years of letters.

It was surreal as I was pulling them out of the drawer I keep them in, seeing the different addresses I lived at, having flashes of memory when I filled out an envelope, remembering a date on another, holding them, seeing them, all of them, the letters.

I wrote my husband letters all the time, for eight years.  I kept them too, those are my letters, those are minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years of my life.  They are a representation of my devotion, my friendship, pouring into my husband from a desolate place.

Now we are getting somewhere and I'm coming back to the word pour, acronym pure outrageous unbelievable romance.  Okay, I have the definitions for pour, you have to be full of something to pour out from.

I feel something happening here, in the final hours, when time is running out and quickly.

Okay, so I've got the letters, I've got the word pour, I've got some scripture, I've got to trust Him!

I've got a couple of other pieces, some thoughts in my head, words to a song that keeps playing over and over again and thank you Jesus, I think I've got it!

I've got to go!

Thanks for helping me!

I'm So Thankful

It's gloomy and windy and it's been raining today.  When we went out we saw people we've never seen before, pulled into places we don't normally go.  Everyone said to us "God bless you."  I wish they could understand just how much and that it's all the time.
I have to be honest and say my heart really wasn't in it once I was there, but God kept putting people in my path and changing my mind about it.  There are days when I'm all gung ho, others it's merely my commitment to my purpose.  They are my people, they are expecting me, I am committed to them.
I stopped, rolling down the window, asking folks, "Are you hungry?"
One girl said, "Girl I'm always hungry!"
Our number is 40 now.
There is never food left over anymore and I'm so happy about that.
Today was a mixture of old faces and new ones, a woman with a flat tire, with her kids in the car, some elderly men sitting at a building next to the Salvation Army, a guy I'd seen walking from downtown, who headed back in that direction as soon as I'd given him the food.
Today was ghosts of the past, memories flooding back, thankfulness for all of it, whether I wanted to be there or not.  I've never been so thankful as I am today.
Look at my life!
People from all over, want to sew into helping, have something to offer me, their hearts in one accord with mine..  These people make me able to do all I can do, I'm merely a face for it, the person who gets to go and do.  I couldn't do it without the help of so many and even with my strict budget God never allows me to go without anything, even when I spend $100 cooking.  A hundred dollars is a lot of money in my world.
For all of my confidence, I am so humbled.
I don't care what it is someone offers up, it's like a million dollars to me, to my heart.  Nothing is insignificent or unwanted, absolutely nothing.  We take it all and even though we mostly deal with men, we don't turn anything down and find a home for all of it.
Again I find myself wishing there was someone like me that came along when I was in the streets and I'm totally not trying to make something of myself in saying this.  If some crazy girl had come along offering me something to eat and to drink, right there in the street where I was standing, I would've come to love her.  I can't help but wonder how that might have changed my life.
I remember how I felt, unloved, used up, judged and without hope.  To this day I still detest taking a shower and having to put on the same clothes.  I remember what it felt like to be so dirty I thought I would lose my  mind before I got clean in fresh clothes.  I remember my socks sticking to my feet and wishing above all else for a clean pair.
Locking myself in gas station bathrooms to bathe and shave at the sink, brush my teeth, put on clean clothes.  I don't ever remember someone coming and banging on the door either, one of those small blessings.
I remember Melissa getting out of jail, after months and months, all healthy and heavy, right back down there and everyone picking her up, giving her money, when I was half starved to death, no more than a hundred and ten pounds.  I remember being jealous and wishing I had all that weight on me, because she looked so good and everyone wanted her.
Has a woman ever wished for weight?  I did that day.
Today, stupid as it sounds, I'm trying to get that weight off God finally blessed me with.
I remember going to sleep on a Tuesday morning and when I woke up four days later, my dogs went crazy because I think they believed everyone had let me lay there and die.  I didn't even get up to go to the bathroom during that time and one of the girls came in and fussed everybody out because they weren't even sure I was alive.  They said she put a mirror in front of my face to make sure I was still breathing.
I remember and I am so thankful, because there is so very much I don't remember and I just know some of it is important.
I'm actually uncomfortable about seeing people I haven't seen in a long time, because their names aren't next to their faces and I would never want to hurt someone who loves me by not really knowing who they are in those first few precious moments.
I'm wearing makeup today, sitting here, tears streaming down my face and not caring.
I am so thankful.
I am so thankful some trick didn't kill me, that I was never beat up or raped.
I am so thankful my kid is well, even though he's facing his own challenges right this second because of bad decisions.
I am so thankful I get to be a lighthouse.  I get to go out there and let people see they can hope and dream and over come the situations they are in.  I am so thankful for the streets.
They aren't for everyone, but they are for me.
Over and over again today, people tried to run game on me and ask me for money and to each one I explained how I'm from the streets and we never come with money, we only bring the food.
You can't blame them for trying and for once it didn't annoy me and I'm so thankful.
People even pull up in cars and ask for food and we always give it to them.  Everyone has to eat, I don't care if you're walking or you drive up, that's what we are there for.
I am so thankful I had that life!
It felt like hell when I was there, I had no idea how God would use it for my future.
Today, Rachel Roll talked about God working everything out for our good.
Man oh man.
I had no idea what that meant at the time.
He totally worked everything out for my good, all that sickness and suffering and misery, to bring me to today.
I am so thankful.

Can A Girl Get A Win Or What????

So, life is kicking me while I'm down right now and that's okay because I can totally take it, but dang!
I'm down with my foot and wow just wow.
I never had any idea I was so busy, so active, did so many things.
I hate the crutches because I'm not totally incapacitated and it's normal to just walk.
April 20th my husband has been gone for a year.
Praise God!
Halleluiah!
Hell yeah!
When I tell you it's the best year of my life, I'm really not blowing smoke up your behind, I'm telling the truth!
God came along, delivered me from all that bondage and addiction and my dumb ass turned around and chained myself to him.  What kind of dummy am I for doing that?  I loved him.
Yeah okay.
Congratulations girlfriend you chose absolutely the worst person ever to fall in love with, you've been a willing participate in the game, how do you feel about that?
I feel like an idiot, that's how I feel.
I can live with that, because I've felt much worse in that love affair.  I can take feeling dumb over feeling taken advantage of and unloved any day.
There are those who will blame me for it all because it was my choice.  Truth be told I really didn't know everything I was getting into, I just chose to love someone and to love them to the best of my ability.  That in itself was not a dumb decision, only the person I chose to give that to and that decision was beyond dumb now that I look back over all those years.
I chose a man who has never held a job past a pay check or two, and each one sent him to the streets getting high.  I chose a man who has never been able to take me to dinner or a movie without me being the one paying.  I chose a man who has never grown up because no one required him to.  His family is still making excuses for him even today.  I chose a man that every time he got clean and looking good he had to go down there and show his friends and that got him all messed up again and right back where he started.
I completely and totally chose wrong.
I spent years and years in great devotion to him, starting over and over again, all of it costing me and I wasn't even getting high!
I spent a total of eight years alone, writing him letters every day, pouring into his life love, devotion, friendship and hope.
I really did give it my all.
When he came home from prison no one could come to him and tell him they saw his wife out doing this or doing that with so in so.
I was a good wife, even if I do say so myself.
My love made me hold on, wouldn't let me stop hoping, wouldn't let me let go, even in the darkest and most painful moments.
I am not a stupid woman, I've survived over half of my adult life homeless and believe me when I tell you no stupid person can survive the streets.
When you live with an addict you try to second guess everything, protect things, do the right thing to save yourself heart ache.
It's all a lie and a false sense of security.
I love my little truck, it's been the best vehicle I've ever owned, so when the opportunity came up to buy something else, I did.  I bought the car totally to keep him from stealing the truck.
It's so freaking pathetic, but the truck is sitting outside and I'm not sitting in prison for killing him for stealing it.
April the 20th, last year, on my day off, I went to take a nap with the baby.  The truck was in the shop because he'd tore it up the weekend before.  I woke up from my nap, the car was gone and $20 out of my desk:  money that belonged to my company.
The final straw had been drawn.
The first time he stole money from my job and stole the car, it costed $180 to keep me from losing my job and place to live and $325 to get the car back, all paid by a tenant who loves me and now I've finally paid him back.
He sat in jail from then to Thanksgiving, first in Greenville where he got arrested in the first place and then Atlanta for something he didn't actually do.
After that and taking him back I set the boundary.  If he ever stole from my job again we were done.
It was a big eff you!
I gave up hope of ever getting the car back, because I had to.  I couldn't keep holding on to that hope because that hope kept me attached to all the other dumb stuff that had happened already.
Almost a year later I'm about to get the car back, atleast what's left of it.
Last time I saw it a window was busted out, the clip on the bumper had broke loose on the driver's side, the passenger side mirror was hanging on the side of the car and there was stuff all in it in the floors.
I asked my mother in law not to say anything about me coming to get the car because I didn't want any problems out of him and I have enough to deal with without that drama.
Suddenly, after almost a year, she has the nephew call me to tell me to call her, because unbeknownst to her I have her number blocked, along with every number he's ever called me from because I have nothing to say to him.
She tells me there's a man there that wants to buy the car.  I tell her the car is not for sale, I'm still making payments on the car and someone is coming to get it for me.
And I quote, "You're still making payments on that raggedy car?"
First of all the car wasn't raggedy until her son took it, second of all I pay my bills regardless of my situations and third I can't sell a car that still doesn't belong to me.
Later the same day my sister in law calls me asking me what I'm going to do with the car because she just got her's running and wants the steering column out of mine.
Seriously?
Really?
She commences to tell me how bad the car looks, says all the tires are flat and the back windshield is busted out of it.
I don't know, I haven't seen it.
I can only assume my mother in law told him I was coming to get the car and he busted all of the windows out of it and flattened the tires, which are brand new by the way, haven't even had their first rotation yet.
I don't know and I don't care.  It's actually not even about the car, it's about the principle of it all.
I'd like to be able to fix the car, but I'm slightly discouraged at this point, because I haven't seen it and it's still there.  Point being the car is mine and even if I had to take it to the scrap yard because there's nothing I can do to fix it, it's mine to do that with.
He thinks he's entitled to it.
Never mind the $6000 worth of debt I was left with, because of him.  The car, paying for lawn equipment that went to the dope man, the fines I paid off for him, bills he's never had to pay.  Never mind he ran away to his mommy like a little kid because he wanted to get high and couldn't deal with being an adult even part time.
Never mind all the countless things I couldn't even begin to name off at this point, that have walked away over the years and the money all of that costed me.
Yes me.
Like he ever had a job in the first place.
It's the one thing I can't let go because it feels like he won!
It's the one thing I'm not going to let go of because I let go of so much and walked away.
If I were a lesser person and didn't know God I would totally hate him.
What's to love?
Sex?
I can buy and sell that all day long, so don't get it twisted thinking it was that.
Sex is so cheap and over rated it makes my skin crawl every time someone comes along thinking that's what they are going to get, without any thought to love or committing.  Go on home boy, it takes much more than that.
Someone once insinuated he was cheating on me in the streets.  I laughed at her and her ignorance.  He loved me and I couldn't get him to sleep with me when we were in the streets!  He always assumed I was trying to smoke all his dope and he wasn't interested because of the drugs.
His charm wore off a long long time ago.
His dreams meant I had to spend money and not see my own.
His plans were all talk and no matter how good life was going he was going to go get high and ruin everything all over again.
I quit telling anyone what was going on or when he was gone, because who really cared and what could they actually do to help me?
Let's get for real, wasn't I to blame for staying with him?
Man oh man, what the hell was I thinking?
I went to bed the other night crying, talking to God about all of it, because nothing would make me happier than for all of them to leave me alone.  I was feeling defeated and discouraged and right back in a place I've been in so many times where he's concerned.
I heard my Daddy tell me He could give me anything, a million cars and I didn't have to be upset about the condition of this one when I got it back.
I didn't ask for any of this, it was all his choice, all his decisions, all his actions that brought us to today.
I wanted to be a wife, to be loved, to have a good life with him.
Not anymore.
Not ever again.
I don't even want to be his friend.
There is a great emptiness where he's concerned, in a place that used to be filled with love.
He's done so much to me already, what's one more thing?
He's costed me so much money already, what's a couple of grand more?
He's never had to take responsibility for any of it, no apologies, no trying to right wrongs, because a sorry man never gave a damn in the first place.
Years and years of feeling like a dummy, like people saw me weak.
I want the damn car back because I want the damn car back and that should be good enough.
I want the car back so I can have some closure because something in my life has died and who knows it may have been dead all along, I just kept kicking it trying to make it get up.
If that's what he's done then I'm completely correct in believing he never loved me because he never had the capacity to love me.
If that's what he's done, I hope he's happy, because it's freaking heart breaking to me.  I'm not a crack rock so I never mattered in the first place, I was just a means to the end.
Just once I don't want to feel like he's won.
Just once I want to feel like I got what I wanted.
Just this once.
Is that too much to ask?
It's the principle of it.
I know he's not winning.  No one in the dope game wins, that's how it's set up, but I need one win!  Just one!
My heart is broken either way and it really doesn't matter to anyone but me.

Drugs

Tonight my heart is heavy for the drug addict and for the people who love them
I spent fifteen years believing for his miracle, trying to set boundaries, to deliver ultimatums, to be the understanding supportive wife, to find him places to go, to rescue him, nothing worked.
I started over again and again.
I kept hoping and continuing to help him over and over again.
I picked my life up from the ashes and started over and over again.
Nothing worked.
My love couldn't save him, or myself.
Chance after chance he only disappointed me, took advantage of me, stole from me and chose the dope over me.
I spent years trying to figure it out, trying to help, trying absolutely everything and nothing worked.
He wanted to get high and there was nothing I could do about it.
I'm not God.
I brought him to Alabama and he just found more people to get high with, nothing about his life changed.
His facebook was covered up with people from the streets, drugs dealers, folks he's convinced himself are his friends, people who mean more to him than his own wife.
He's been gone a year in sixteen more days and I have never ever had a happier year in my life since I met him.
It's over, I can't do it, I won't do it and in the end it was him that walked away.  I was taking a nap with the baby, on my day off, when I woke up the car was gone, money from my desk was gone and him with it.
My truck was in the shop because he tore it up the weekend before, all the lawn equipment and my trailer gone, everything that wasn't nailed down or locked up, gone.
He took the car and went back to Atlanta.
No note telling me good bye.
No kindness for me before he left.
He wasn't the same person when he came home from jail the last time, wasn't kind or thoughtful, didn't do anything to help around the house, just had this attitude of he's doing everything and I'm not.  Never mind I've supported us the entire time, that he's never had to pay a bill, pay to take me out, pay for clothes on his back, for his cigarettes or food.
He left.
He always left, if it wasn't jail it was the streets for all those years.
I was wasting my time.
I was wearing myself out for something that would never happen.
Tomorrow, someone is picking up the car, almost a year later, bringing it back, so it can cost me more money to fix.
I bought the car to keep him from stealing my truck and it worked.
When the car is dropped off at the shop a chapter of my life will be ended forever.
A win I never got before will be experienced.
My mother in law will never see or hear from me again and to tell the truth I don't believe she even cares.
She wouldn't even walk outside the house to see if the keys were laying in the floor board.
He can never come back.
I wouldn't care if he showed up twenty years from now and could prove every single day of it clean and put a million dollars in my hand, he still couldn't come back.
I don't want him anymore.
I don't even love him anymore.
I don't even want to be his friend.
God freed me from my own bondage and I turned around and chained myself to his.
What a stupid girl I was.
I destroyed my life in the name of love.
I'm seeing others go through the same thing, but I can't do anything but stand aside and be their friends and not say a word that isn't encouraging.
I'm seeing the man who helped me get out of the streets do the same thing, can't tell him anything just like no one could tell me.
Love makes you do stupid ass stuff.
I hear him saying the same things I've said, heard my girlfriend say the same things I said just today.
I can't do or say anything to either one of them, because they won't hear and they have to make their own way.
There are others, but I can't say a word.
It won't change their hearts, their minds or what they feel like they need to do.
I can only offer encouragement and prayer.
I know what that road looks like, it's long and desolate and costly.
Boundaries mean nothing to the addict, they have to have their medicine.
They are going to get high by any means necessary and nothing else matters.
Love doesn't matter, marriage doesn't matter, family, homes, nothing else matters to them, they have to get high and they are going to do whatever they have to do to get what they want.
They know what they are doing, they are not stupid by any means, they just don't care and no matter how much we care, we don't matter.
You can't make them stop, fix them, make them care, send them to rehab, it's all on them and they don't want it.
Sure, they can function and do pretty good for a minute, but it's always there.
Every time he got some money it was on.
Every time he got a job it only lasted a paycheck or two and those paychecks sent him right back where he came from.
We love them, we want to help them, we know God has better in store for them, but that doesn't matter.  It's always their choice and they choose to get high.
I'm not mad at him, I'm actually grateful.  I'm glad he's gone, my life has never ever been better.
He's taught me I won't ever settle for second best, I don't want anything to do with ex addicts, I won't ever put my hope in a man who was ever an addict and I don't need a man in the first place.  My Daddy takes care of me just fine.
He's taught me no matter how much I love someone it doesn't mean they love me back.
He's taught me just how strong I am.
I gave it my all and it didn't matter to anyone but me.
I gave it everything I had again and again and got nothing in return, except bills and heart ache.
There are those right this minute doing the same thing, they feel terrible, their hearts are broken, their lives are shattered again and again and my heart is so sad for them.
There are those who wish to change and can't believe it could happen, my heart is heavy for them.
There are those who silently suffer with addiction, those who live with those people and others still who love them, it's up to them.
Deliverance is available, you just have to want it.
There is life beyond drugs.
I wish I had all the answers but I don't.
I can't for the life of me figure out what it is with him.
I no longer care.
He made his choice and it wasn't me.  It never was me, I chose him.
I'm praying for those who wish to be well and for those who love them.
I'm praying for those who silently suffer and feel there is no one they can talk to.
I'm praying for anyone and everyone who has dealt with the pain and heartache of drugs and addictions and madness in their lives.
I'm so thankful to be able to walk away and never look back.
I'm so thankful Jesus came and got me when I was in that hell.
I'm so thankful my life today is not what it was a year ago.
I'm so thankful for deliverance.
I'm so thankful it's over.